They F**k You Up, Your Mum and Dad

How do we protect our children from our flaws?

Photo by Daniel Cheung on Unsplash

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin, “This Be The Verse”

Of late, I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a good parent. Larkin, cynical though he was, had a point. We inherit flaws and insecurities from our parents. We are withdrawn and socially awkward because our mother always scoffed at the things we said and did. We half-ass things that we care about because our father always criticised our best efforts. We are jealous and guarded lovers because of our parents’ ugly divorce. These early experiences lie at the heart of our emotional and social development, and — in support of Larkin’s theory — research suggests that the effects of these experiences can persist into adulthood.